Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
