You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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