i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
