Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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