I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
