Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
