On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
