You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
