Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
