chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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