i wish starbucks made bloody marys
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
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