We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
