I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
