he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
