Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
