I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
