I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
