I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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