I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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