All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
she peed on how many people?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
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