the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
