take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
