I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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