my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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