So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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