her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize