What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
where does the pee come out of this thing
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
