a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
