i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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