Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
