does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
