I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
