my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
