I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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