It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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