talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
