your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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