whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
