Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
