I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Also, beer. Big fan.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
