Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
