if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
