The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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