totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
