I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Randomize
