i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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