He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I did not marry a roomba.
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