i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
