Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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