You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
