im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
