I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You are a genius and a whore.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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