Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
