had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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