worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
home. puking in laundry basket.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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