I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
