Define "chronic" masturbator.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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