took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
