I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
