if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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