thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
