I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
