i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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