How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
