I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
We are two peas in an std pod
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
